That Funny Feeling In My Tummy... From A Cop

On my way back to Greensboro on Friday I had a unique experience. I was literally 5 minutes into the trip home and had just gotten to the point where I-85 and I-40 merge. Well, there was this line of cars in the middle lane and I was in the left lane. Some guy was riding my bumper coming up on the merge, so I stomped on the gas and floored past the cars into the middle lane.

As I did so, I glanced in my rear view mirror and noticed that for some reason all the cars behind me were slowing down really quickly. Then, out of the corner of my eye I caught the reason... Bright blue lights flashing and siren blaring, a State Patrolman came zooming off the I-40 on ramp right up behind me. I glanced down at my speedometer... 92 mph. Shit. Looking back in the rear view he is frantically motioning for me to pull over.

Knowing I'm totally busted I decide, "well fuck it, at least I'll pull over like a conservative driver." So I turned down the 50 Cent CD (yes that's what I was listening to) and put on the right turn signal and slowly started merging over to the right shoulder.

Much to my surprise, before I had even finished stopping my car, the cop had already leapt out of his and was halfway toward my driver's side window. So I wind down the window and before I can even say, "yes officer, what seems to be the problem?" he says, "hey, think you can take it down to 65 back there?"

So I was like, "Yeah, I'm sorry man, I was trying to get out of the left lane and merge past that line of cars in the center lane. I didn't realize I was going that fast." He then replies, "yeah I understand, but there's no hurry. Just try and keep it down to 65, huh?" And as tried to respond, "sure, no problem." He turned and abruptly walked back to his car and turned off the blue lights.

In shock I sat there for a minute waiting for him to come back over and write me a ticket but he didn't. Ok.... finally some retribution from this wretched month that has plagued me all my life. So I put that bitch in drive and was out... at a speedy 65 mph, haha.

But the story doesn't end there... About 4 miles down the road I can see him coming up in my rear view mirror and immediately check my speed back down from 75 to 65. (It would be really embarrassing to get pulled by the same cop twice for speeding w/in 5 miles). So as he passes me on the left he looks over and grins, and I grin back. He shoots up ahead into a group of cars which immediately slow down in unison upon spotting him.

He pulls into the right lane and ducks behind a truck in the hopes of hiding from the traffic flow and trying to snag an extra ambitious driver weaving through the log jam of cars, unbeknownst to his presence. Meanwhile I am sitting back doing 65 enjoying the hell out of this show. After about 3-4 miles he gives up and pulls off on the exit ramp.

Immediately everyone speeds up as soon as they see he has left the highway. As I pass the entrance ramp for the same exit I think to myself, "man, how balsy would it be if he went straight through the exit and came back on the highway and snagged some of these bitches." Not 2 seconds after that thought ran through my mind but I spot the sliver cruiser flying up the entrance ramp right into the back of the (now speeding) pack of cars.

Son goes flying by on my right side and slips through the second group of cars obviously in pursuit of one of those hot rodders who had been sitting back waiting for him to get off the interstate. Three miles later... I pass him with some punk ass in a Honda pulled over on the right side of the road.

It was at that point that I realized, I would have been glad to have gotten a ticket from this man. A true interstate flow strategist. Clever, conniving and heartless. My kinda guy. Wow, now THAT'S a man crush. If only I would have written down his name...